Sometimes it feels like it would be easy to just give in.
Bugger the values and the moral and the beliefs, time to throw in the towel and slip back into society like a grinning dog with the remains of regret still dripping from its lips.
Too dramatic?
Meh.
Anyway, my point is this.
Although in theory its cheaper to lead a sustainable life in reality its not.
No.
That's not quite right.
Let me try an analogy.
Years ago I heard a radio program about the poor in African shanty towns (can't remember where in Africa, lets just say it was somewhere poor ok?).
The presenter was talking to some women waiting outside a shabby shop, each of them had the equivalent of around 20 pence gripped in their hands.
"Whats it for?" He asked.
"Shampoo!" They said excitedly, explaining that they only washed their hair infrequently because of the cost. When the shop opened they rushed in and all came out with tiny sachets of shampoo. The presenter pointed out that if they bought a bottle they could not only wash their hair more often but also save lots of money. At 20 pence a wash what should have been a £2 bottle of shampoo would in reality have cost them nearly £10.
They hooted with laughter at this concept.
These girls saved money for weeks for the luxury of washing their hair. The thought of saving the monetary equivalent £2 was ridiculous to them, unobtainable, an obscene amount of money to hand over in one go when they had food to buy for their families.
"...And besides." One retorted. "What if I bought the whole bottle and someone stole it? If I just buy one sachet I only have to worry about it until I wash my hair see?"
And this is my problem.
Sometimes I feel like the woman buying the single sachet, even though she knows it makes no sense financially.
When you're on a budget every penny is accounted for.
Magazines are not thrown without thought into the shopping basket.
Shoes are bought only when you physically need a pair, not because they look pretty.
Trips in the car have to work to make it worth spending money on fuel, so its never a trip to the park, but a trip to the park via the shops, the garage, the hardware store and the chemist.
None of these are BAD things of course, but it doesn't really stop there.
The catalyst came last week when I was putting in my greengrocer order.
Now The "Green" Grocer is an amazing little independent grocer I use for all the specialist stuff I can't get in Tesco. Its jam packed with organic, fair trade, cruelty free and vegan fayre.
They can order goods in for you via the Suma website and deliver every Wednesday for a small charge which means I don;t have to drive into town.
They also run a veg box scheme at a very reasonable price and last year I made good use of it, but stopped it by late spring as we had so much growing in the garden.
Now winters nearly here I thought about starting it up again..... But after doing the sums I had to sadly decide I couldn't.
I just could not afford to.
But its not just that.
More and more the big supermarkets are stocking some of the more specialist foods and working on a tighter than tight budget if I find my brand of vegan mayo 20p cheaper I'm gonna have to go for it.
This frustrates the hell out of me because I really want to support small, local shops and I know damn well there's plenty of people out there with the money to do that who don;t give a rats arse.
It's my dream, if I ever became rich, to do all my shopping there.... no way I could even try and do that on the income we have now.
Even shopping at Tesco isn't without its problems.
At least 60% of the money I spend at Tesco is on fruit, veg and orange juice.
Now if you have kids you'll know that pieces of fruit can often end up only going for a day out in your child's lunch box, coming home bruised, battered and pretty inedible and definitely not eaten.
I would hazard a guess that a 1/4 of all fruit and veg I buy is not eaten, that is, it comes home in a lunch box or is left of a dinner plate.
Luckily I have dogs and chickens so I can be fairly sanguine about it, but its easy to see why some people fill their trolleys with cheap food that is guaranteed to be eaten, even if that means value range chips and cookies.
Its all very well for the government to shake their heads at the "uneducated poor", stuffing their kids with junk food and berating them for being fat.... How shiny it must be in your ivory tower Mr member of parliament, how wonderful to live a life where you probably have no idea how much your groceries cost.
It helps none that the supermarkets are paid to push branded items on their offers, and the big brands are always junk food. Oh yeah, they put a few token fruit and veg in there, but its still buy one get one half price on Papaya or BOGOF on chicken nuggets, what choice is that for the struggling parent who knows no better?
Anyway, looking at our last grocery bill I tried to work out where I could cut back.
The horrible truth was that I was going to have to spend less on fruit and veg. It's not a choice I want to make. Our shopping isn't full of frivolities, no interesting desserts or meals for one, no crates of alcohol, no stacks of snacks....It's pasta, rice, beans, basics, staples, THAT'S what grates.
So now comes the tricky task of cutting back on what I see as basic food rights and juggling things so that health and nutrition isn't affected.
But thank you Mr Cameron.
Do think of us while your children tuck into their organic hotpot.
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